What is there to say? As I'm writing this, I'm drinking a vanilla chai latte and eating a bowl of Trix, trying to get my dog to stop bothering the cat. I'm going through a mental list of things I have to do before I go out tonight, knowing all too well that most of them aren't going to happen.
It's December 9th, 2010, and this year has positively flown by. The fact that I can still remember where I was and what I was doing on Christmas and New Year's last year, is a testament to this, because this is the first time that has ever happened.
In the last year, I have grown so much as my own individual. I've figured out, that not everything needs to be figured out. I have done 180s multiple times this year, and I have even sustained a few relationships, which is big for me. I have quit bad habits, and I have let go of people who hurt me. I have learned how to stick around, as well. The people I am friends with right now could probably tell you that they have never seen me stay this long; that I am usually off to the next group or girl before you can blink an eye. They'd be right. When it comes to abandonment, I am the princess. I learned it from practically everyone who has come in and out of my life, but my father was the master. He's recently reversed his opinion on the issues and we have reestablished contact. I'm not sure exactly how I feel about this, but I want to be happy for it, so I'm going to do my best. I don't know if I can actually forgive him, but I would like to forget the past and move on. What's done is done, anyway.
It has recently occurred to me that I have six months left as a teenager, and then I will be a full-on adult. While I'm sure I'm probably not ready for this, I cannot wait for it. I feel more impatient than ever, especially since it seems like I have finally figured out that as long as I can remain content and honest, it'll be okay. While I may await this change with longing open arms, I am also not in any hurry for it to get here. I would like to enjoy my last few months of only-partial responsibility, and take the time to breathe, and finish figuring myself out. I've also decided that the time has come for me to go home. For those of you who don't know, I am a Texas girl- it's more obvious in the winter than any other time, but it will always be my home and the Cowboys will always be my team. As a means to this end, I am hoping to find a second job, as well as remain at my current one, in order to save up enough money to at least sustain the move. All the money, aside from a weekly allowance I give myself and the money to pay for Sarah's trip up here, will be put into savings for this cross-country venture.
When I am not working or in class pursuing my Political Science degree, I will be riding or working on my new project blog, Nati Eats. My goal is to really get that blog up and running and procure a fanbase before I leave, so that if she wants it, I can leave it in the hands of my co-moderator. My passion for cuisine has recently been reignited thanks to eclectic tastes of people surrounding me, and I've decided that ultimately, I would love to work in a cafe, or even a bakery. Maybe someday, even open my own? Who knows. I think, even if a political science degree takes me somewhere, even if I finish it (at this point, who knows), I doubt it will take me somewhere I will be happy, unless HRC or another equality organization is involved. I would love to run a little cafe, just enough to support myself and my endeavors, and spend my free time blogging and riding. But this is all to be approached in another entry I guess. This blog is mainly to catch you up on what I'm thinking heading into 2011, and there's still a lot more.
One of my main goals is to start riding consistently, between 3 and 5 days a week. I don't want to continue this vicious cycle of quitting, missing it, starting again, x infinity. I'm training with Melissa Miller right now at Walnut Creek, and am looking for a less expensive barn to do my hacking in, and possibly find a partial lease that would allow me to go on the circuit. I know for a fact, that I would rather ride horses than anything else, but it is simply not possible for me to see that, solely, as a future. I need supplemental work and income.
On another and final note: relationships. I am not in one, but I have somehow had three this year. While we all know that I am not a proponent of long-distance relationships of any sort, even friendships, it is to be said that there is an exception to every rule.
While I would not go so far as to say I am in love, I believe I may have met someone I want to spend the rest of my life with. I don't necessarily mean this in a romantic way (although I won't deny I have a huge crush on this girl), just simply that I can't imagine her not being there, even as just a friend. It's far-fetched and a bit inconceivable, considering I have yet to actually meet this girl, but from everything I've seen about her to the conversations we have had, to the "fight" we have had, nothing has ever fit so perfectly, at least to me. The fact that someone I have never met, that lives across the country, can keep me awake at night and never, for a second, leaves my thoughts, is enough to tell me I need to try. At this point, all I can really do is hope and try to fix my errors that were recently made. I am doing my best to put myself back in good graces and wait patiently until I get to see her in March. Hopefully, although knowing me this is probably the case, I am not merely delusional. Either way, at least I have made an amazing new friend and will get to meet her in March :)
I guess that's all for today, not for lack of things to say though. I'll do my best to post again tomorrow before work.
-xo, E.
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