Valentine's Day, midterms and life transitions.

Okay. I originally started this post out as something entirely different...but in the last few hours things have taken a bit of a turn. Whether you like it or not, celebrated it or not, you all know that Valentine's Day was Monday. I don't have any particular resentment or admiration for the "holiday," except that it's my dog's birthday. Babygirl turned nine this year.
I don't make a habit of celebrating V-Day, but I am sure if I am ever with a girl who means that much to me and is sort of into it, you can be assured I would go all out to show her that she's my world. I hate the concept of a dedicated ONE day a year to romance; but I am quite a hopeless romantic..no matter how many people tell you I'm a player or I switch girls faster than whomever. I don't do it intentionally; I would be more than thrilled to have one actual relationship in my life...I just happen to pick really screwed up girls. Girls who either can't commit, won't commit, don't even give the potential to commit a chance. Girls who are crazy, girls who think I'm crazy but then they turn out being crazier, girls who can't find themselves, girls who try to find themselves through other people, girls are aren't happy, which in turn make for two unhappy people in a relationship, etc., etc. It's a mess.
Lately, it's been 20 times messier. I don't really know what I want anymore. I feel like I've outgrown that rumored "player" phase, and honest to god, all I really want is a relationship anymore. I'm not sure I even know how to handle one, or have the time for one, but I would really love to try. I would like to have someone to come home to at night and wake up to in the morning, and all that mushy stuff. The problem here, is that it doesn't exist. And if it does, sure as hell not in this city. I have had chances and I have thrown them away. I broke hearts, and now I guess karma is back to bite me in the ass. So be it. Girls suck anyway.
Of course, you know I don't mean that, and you know I'm sitting here hopelessly pining away for one, or I wouldn't be saying it.
In other news...I don't really know what there is to say. I feel like for the next week there will be this unavoidable feeling of a galaxy crashing around me, and then the pieces sort of feeling like shards of glass in your feet. Hopefully this feeling will go away once I am out of this hell...I don't see why it shouldn't. It's not even necessarily issues with my mother that are causing all this stress. As noted in the title, I am in the middle of midterms, and I am also moving next week. So there is a lot of stuff going on lately and I am trying to manage it all on top of a new job, and getting used to some new medication, blah blah blah (stuff you don't care about).
Also, it's my father's birthday today. He's 51! I think I've sort of reached a decision regarding him and my relationship with him...or at least am on the way to reaching one. I have decided to let the past go. I've been giving it a lot of thought, and while Sheryl was 40 when I was born, he was only 30. I can't think about that and hold it against him, because I'm absolutely positive that if I were in his situation, I would've done the exact same thing. If I felt trapped with a crazy-ass bitch that made me miserable, and knew I couldn't be trusted to take care of her or myself, why would I put a child in the middle of that? So, the past is gone. I will call him tonight and I will let him know that we are starting on a clean slate. I am done holding grudges against people, I have enough shit to worry about without worrying about them. Besides, everyone makes mistakes, right?
Right now is not the time to worry about my relationships with anyone, regardless of nonexistence, need of repair, whatever it is. I really need to just focus on getting my own shit together. I know I've been saying that for the last year and a half or whatever, but seriously. I keep going back and forth over every single decision, no matter how small, and I feel as though that is a huge factor in all this weird stress I've been having lately. A lot of it has to do with school and certain major decisions. I am on the rocks about my education, my future, whether it be career or location, and other certain...areas of life. As usual, a huge part of me is thinking, I don't want any of this. I want to live off in the middle of nowhere with my horses and myself, and I want to just..be. But the other part of me NEEDS a city. I need a place I can blend in and hide, but stand out when I choose to. I need a hustle and bustle, and I need liberal politics and the choices a city has to offer.

I just wish I knew who I was anymore.